Time on My Back

July 2005

In May, Kristina and I sat in the exam room of our friend George VanDeWyngaerde MD, waiting for him to return from reading an MRI on my back. Aided by a back brace, I had just begun to walk for the first time in six weeks.

George walked into the room, pulled up a stool and said, “Tell me your story.”

My back has gone out a few times over the years. It usually happened when I was worn down physically and made a quick twisting shot in racquet ball or tennis. I would crawl to my car, drive home, take a lot of Ibuprofen and go to bed. In a day or two, I would be sore, but I was back on my feet.

A few months ago I hurt my back playing golf. I tried to play through the pain, but it was so intense I had to quit after nine holes. For the next two weeks, I kept jogging and lifting weights. My back eventually got so weak that one day I had to stop jogging after a half mile and walk home.

The following morning, Kristina dropped me off at the airport so I could fly to Oregon for Patty Stockton Bossard’s memorial service. I took two steps away from the car and my back went out completely. I could barely move. I had to sit down three times before reaching the ticket counter and had to take a wheelchair to the boarding gate.

I figured that I would “gut it out” for three days in Oregon, come home, take whatever medication necessary, and stay in bed until I recovered. But after the memorial service, walking up steps at a retreat center, riding in cars and sitting on airplanes, I felt like my back was broken and a knife was sticking in the back of my right leg.

  Dr. George already knew that Patty and Billy Stockton were our close friends. They were a part of our church in Novato for five years. We went on vacations with them and our children grew up together. Billy was a brilliant doctor who treated many of the young families in our church without charging them. Patty was a gifted Bible teacher and mentor to many young women. When the Stocktons moved to Phoenix in 1983, they invited our son Matthew to come and stay with them. Matthew’s asthma was so severe in California that he probably would have died when he was eight years old if they had not helped us out. When we discovered Matthew could live a healthy life in Phoenix, Kristina and I made the decision to move our family.

 Billy and Patty helped us start Living Streams in 1984. Patty taught the children, Billy invited his patients and they provided for our little church financially. They were there for us in the crises of our lives. Over the years, many people have phoned and awakened me in the night. Billy was the one I called when I was in crisis in the middle of the night. When Billy committed suicide in Oregon in 1998, it was one of the saddest times in my life.

The Stockton boys have grown into men of God, who serve the Lord faithfully. Their family was in grief and I wanted to be with them, even though it took a wheelchair. There are times in life when love compels us and consequences are secondary concerns.

I was discussing grief with Tim Bossard, who married Patty three years ago. While he was grieving her death, he heard formulas from well-meaning friends about how to deal with grief—almost as many formulas as he and Patty heard about how to deal with her cancer.

There is no formula for getting over grief; we must go through it. Weeping through grief is God’s way of letting us heal from the inside out. The reality of heaven is a comfort to believers, but we grieve when we cannot hold and talk with those we love. Those who love deeply, grieve deeply.

The Bible calls us into a relationship with the living God; it does not give us formulas to memorize. We turn to our Father in Heaven, not to a formula when life takes unexpected turns. He tells us to trust him with all our hearts and promises that all things, including suffering, will work together for our good.

Jesus healed people in many different ways. He spoke healing words to one man and laid his hands on another. He made mud out of spit and put it on a blind man’s eyes. The spit technique is rarely taught in healing seminars today.

I learned healing back pain is as much art as it is science. It is said that a man with a watch knows the exact time, but one with two watches is not quite sure. I am privileged to know many wonderful doctors, but I discovered when it comes to back pain, there are many different opinions about treatment.

One surgeon told me to alternate between heat and ice to relieve my pain. Brian, my chiropractor friend said, “Never use heat, always use ice.”

After seeing my MRI, one doctor said, “Come in (for surgery) and we will take care of your problem.”

Ed, my radiologist friend, said, “If it was my back, I would give it time and it will probably heal itself.”

Dr. George gave me helpful stretches, but Dr. Chris saw what I was doing and said, “Don’t do that. I’ll get you an appointment with a physical therapist.”

 Most of the physicians said the cause of my pain was my herniated disk at L5 SI pressing on my sciatic nerve. However, another said the cause of back pain is diminished oxygen supply to our muscles and our response to emotional pressure, not our physical anomalies. All these are wonderful doctors, but I am like a man with several watches who wants to know the exact time.

Rather than go over the stretches, massages and adjustment therapies that may or may not help, let me give you a suggestion. Do not keep pushing yourself when you are having back pain. C. S. Lewis said, “Pain is the megaphone of God.” Listen carefully when noises are coming through the megaphone. In my case the noise was amplified by my wife, who was saying, “I don’t think you should be going to the gym tonight. You should get some rest.”

I believe when we break down because of too much stress, we break at our weakest point. It may be your mind, your back or your heart that gives out. It can be dangerous to live in a state of physical or emotional exhaustion. You never know when an emergency will come up which will require additional energy and emergencies can turn our lives upside down.

The day I was able to walk across our back lawn made tears of thankfulness flow down my face. I was walking without major pain for the first time in over a month. I had been longing to walk again. I’m thankful to the Lord for restoring me so I can enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

I experienced the reality of II Cor.12:8, “My power is made perfect in weakness.” The power that holds the church together and makes us effective in ministry belongs to the Lord. Weakness helps us recognize our dependence on His power. Some people said my preaching improved after my back went out. I’m sure it helped that many friends were praying for me.

   Understanding the difference between our part and God’s part in life is wisdom. I hope that I have been delivered from the insecurity that was driving me. There is a time to sacrifice, but there is also a time to take a break. We have to rest and pace ourselves or rest will be imposed on us when we break down. Most of us have back problems sooner or later. If your back starts to hurt, breathe deeply, slow down, take a break.

The apostle Paul said, Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions…(Colossians 1:24). Paul said Christ suffered for their forgiveness and he suffered for them as well. There are times we too will suffer as we care for God’s family.

Love stretches us in many ways. Would I have made the same decisions if I knew how much pain was involved? Perhaps not. Are there blessings from God for those who suffer? You bet there are—many blessings we will never experience if we play life safe.

I’m still not sure what time it is, but the Spirit is telling me to play out my life with all my heart, until the great Score Keeper in Heaven says my time is up. ö

 

Click here to read the January 2005 Reflections.